Calmer, More ready to travel now.... Should I go on? This going to be a long one so get ready!!! How are you? I am excited to hear from you and check my emails.
Let me see, where to start really. This was by far the easiest and hardest silent retreat I have been on yet. Easy as I knew what to expect and knew how my mind was going to go a little stir crazy, etc. But the most difficult as of all that happened within the retreat. Let me start by saying we get up at 4am, start meditating at 4:15am, have 2 meals in the day time and tea in the evening and ending the day at 9pm on a concrete bed, a wicker mat and a wooden pillow (which by the way I did not use-I used Rob's Sweater he gave me for the plane ride which was perfect for a pillow-thanks!). Amazingly enough I slept great. When you only meditate you really don't need that much sleep and I was used to getting up at 5:30am and going to bed at 10:30pm or 12am at home as for getting ready for this trip.
So the first day was great, I was relieved, things had changed a lot there-a new Sala (a structure with no walls only a ceiling and poles to hold it up, sitting in sand with 150 people around you, about a dozen new western toilets and a whole lot of newness-so worked on detachment of the old with the grounds. So my experience, the second day I was edgy and not so good. Third day I started that lovely time of the month that is a time for looking inward and being slow and caring for the body. Well this month it decided to make me sick-I won't go into detail, but it was good for trying to keep on mind on the breath-Breathe in breath out, focus on the breath. I had a break through that day and got calm and really saw my mind and really erased it. It gave me hope that it might stay there-So I wish! Well that didn't last long. Then day 5 was here and since I'd calmed some and started to unwind and really my mind and all it was up to and slowing down it decided to test me. Yes the mind is a silly place-as someone told me once -The mind is a scary place, don't go in there alone! Well I did alright. That day I had this absolutely gorgeous, of course, RED bug with black dots on it with about 20-40 legs on each side and pinches on, about 1 1/2 inches long bite me. Well you can't kill anything, not that I would anyway. But I chased it off my let in silence, over off my mat trying not to disturb anyone meditating. Well the poison it injected made a rash on my leg and I could feel the poison going up my leg and into my inner thigh area-well I didn't like this. I got up and went to the Buddhist nun and she said "I'll get balm" funny enough it is Tiger balm and the Thai people this cures anything. Well it did, withing 10-20 minutes the rash was gone and I felt better. It works on mosquito bites too!
Day 6 another test. After breakfast of rice soup I put my tongue behind my front left tooth to find a crack or a hole. Well this is disturbing-all kinds of things go through you mind-"I'm in a foreign country, they may pull out my tooth or put mercury in it or chip out half of it or I may need a........and it goes on. Well I decided to try to meditate on it and not go to the dentist. This is challenging but it worked after a few hours. I let it be though.
Have you ever seen someone and instantly felt a connection. As if you needed or already new this person before. With never speaking, only a few glances this woman felt like my sister, someone I wanted to know and connected with on some soulful level. We would pass each other, she'd come sit next to me during tea and then meals and then during the hot springs. Well I grew quite attached to her being there. So since Buddhism is about non attachment it decided to take her away from the retreat. I thought on day 6 to give her my information but thought-I'll see her on day 11, don't break any rules, silence or anything or disrupt anything. Well on day 7 she was gone. I knew it, I could feel she was gone. I went to see the chore sign up list where her name was and it was scratched off. My lesson on this didn't come until later. I was sad, I misseed someone I didn't even know. But it was good. As day 8 I struggled againsted the tooth, the wanting this woman I didn't know to come back, I wanted to leave, but I wanted to focus. I went to talk to the head woman, Ben, to see about a dentist. I decided I'd go on day 10 as she could go with me to the hospital-yes that is where they do dentistry. I thought about going on day 9 as there was only one meal at 8:30am and only tea twice after that, no instruction, just breathe in and out, all on our own. Well I realized I needed a day of freedom of words. As all the structure and words were too much for me. You see, the other 2 retreats I did here I never stayed with the group for more than half a day. I meditated a lot by myself. The good thing was I got to know myself more that way, but the time creeped by. At least being with everyone else the day went by faster. So day 9 was GREAT! I needed the solitude of my own practice. I was in heaven. My mind cleared, my heart calmed, I knew I'd made the right choice to go to the dentest the next day AND I was glad that woman had left for the reason of distraction. Everytime she was around I would be distracted and not inward. We'd end up watching the other ones feet or making eye contact or what ever-who knows what was going through her mind. Maybe it was all a story for all I know. I just know my side of it. So I could calm knowing I was there alone and only me to be with. I was grateful to be in silence with me, walk around the pond in meditation. Sit in my favorite Sala, drink tea and not get hungry.
Day 10 was hard. I got up, did my own yoga (others did it with the teacher, I liked doing my own on this retreat-too many words again) I met up with Ben and she and I walked to the road and wen to the Hospital in Surat Thani-an hour away. It was clean and peaceful, no shoes. I went in to the doctor at 9:40am, I told him I was nervous and he said "yes, that's normal". He looked and sure enough I had not only one cavity on that front tooth, but 2. YIKES. Well he did a magnificent (sp?) job filling both of them, very smooth, no pain, even pain killer, all in 35 minutes for, get this, $21.00. Yes that is right, for one or two fillings it was the same price. And a crown-if you ever need on is 6000 bt which is about $180.00, yes that is right, you can fly here, get your crown and a vacation for about the same price as getting one in the US. Something to think about next time you need dentistry. But make sure it's in a private hospital in a small town. I was relieved and back at the monastary within a few hours and very ready for a meal, since I hadn't eaten since the day before at 8:30am. So I ate at 12:30am and I was happy. Well, my mind wasn't calm but man I was happy to know it was almost over. I couldn't really meditate after that. I was thrilled to know my tooth was ok, I was almost out and ready to just travel.
The retreat really showed me how I changed-5 1/2 years ago I didn't have that much of an opinion. Well I do now, I realized that I went from wanting to be a nun 5 years ago in Dharmasala, India to realized that if Tibetan Buddhism believed the same way that there is no way I would be able to be a nun now. They believe that sex is only for having children-no pleasure, to not have any desire or do anything that caused desire, you can't look at the sunset and get pleasure from it, you need to be void of all feelings of it-well if that is what it is but become a nun, I'm done with that for who I am now. Being that I teach sacred sexuality and believe in have fabulous sex, loving sunsets, Dancing until my hearts desire, listening to music and singing to my hearts content-I could never be a nun.
If you want to know who you are? How you believe? What you think about? What you want in life? This is the place to be. There is no escaping yourself. I really get who I am-first I am a DANCER, I want to perform, I want to teach, it's what I fantsize most about. I am a teacher next for couples-better communication and sacred relationships. I get there are so many things I want to make, to share, to give to this world and to everyone. I still want to travel, but I want to do my work as I travel. I'd love to teach movement workshops with a yoga teacher (like you Mal!!!)! I'd love to teach more relationship workshops. It's very exciting to me! There are so many designs of clothes, of meditations I want to create on CD, DVD. Well the list goes on. The one thing that really hit me is having really great female friends-I miss having just one or two really close female friends, I have kept women at bay until the past year as my last best friend had a painful ending and I started healing this in the past year. And now it's time to let women in, to let women be close to me again. Who knows if you want to hear all of this. But I am setting my intention and voicing it seems like the right way to do it. I just love having someone to do girl things with-shop, have tea, giggle, play, watch movies, do creative things with, so there you go.
There was a lot of healing around relationships, it was really profound. And unwinding from the past 4-6 weeks is still happening but it's better now.
It was a great experience and I may write more about it. But I feel this is a long enough book as it is. If you ever want to do anything like this I'd say yes, do it. It's the most healing thing. Even if Buddhism isn't your thing, their ways, their customs, the way they are is just beautiful. The meditation heals and you know more of who you are. Get ready world as I am ready to boogie, as soon as I am on a beach I am going to turn up my music from my ipod and baby speakers and dance around as much as I can. I'd do it now but I'm still staying in the monastary and it's not allowed.
It is so beautiful here, trees, green, hills, ponds, lots of places to sit and meditate, many places to do walking meditation and I found joy in standing meditation-that was a first. I liked it and sitting the best this time. We'll see if I come back. It's hard to say as I'm so full right now.
I miss you all, I would love to hear from you all. I know this is a bulk email to everyone but it doesn't mean it's impersonal, it just means to write this a million times would be difficult. I miss hearing from each one of you and love you all so much. I thank you for holding a safe place for my heart to open. I know this is long, but I hope you enjoyed it. I so look forward to hearing from you. Ok, I'm off to check my emails and hope to hear from you. I send you love my sweets. Love, Heather
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